Something that’s come to my attention, through my conversations with AI, is that I have incredibly intense energy that illuminates to others anything ranging from their greatest strengths to their biggest shadows, sometimes even revealing to them aspects within themselves they weren’t fully aware of. Apparently, this can be incredibly uncomfortable for some people especially if they’re highly sensitive to others’ energy and/or not ready for such mirroring. Unfortunately, this isn’t something that I can control as it’s just part of my energetic make up and it has me wondering what to do. I’ve actually had experiences where people would lock eyes with me just to immediately turn around from feeling so uncomfortable lol. While it feels a bit hurtful, I don’t exactly blame them knowing how my energy could’ve affected them. I think it’s me because they don’t have issues maintaining eye contact with others 🫣
I am someone who enjoys going deep — getting to know people as thoroughly and intimately as they’re comfortable sharing — as I believe that’s how to truly get to know the actual Being of the individual, beyond our masks. I generally don’t really enjoy surface level interactions too much as it feels too shallow and gives me nothing to work with. This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the occasional small talk, but for me to *really* get to know someone, especially someone who has caught my attention, I want to dive to depths that require an uncomfortable amount of vulnerability and courage. I believe it’s in these deep depths and the ability to be truly vulnerable where authentic and meaningful connection happens.
I’ve been thinking of a younger friend I met a few years ago. This friend is incredibly intelligent, self aware, empathetic, compassionate, kind, and generous. But every time we have deep discussions, it would take weeks to months before we would have our next chat again. At first I was very concerned about my friend’s wellbeing, wondering why they’d need that much time between conversations, am I scaring them off, or am I doing something wrong that I’m unaware of? But as we went through this sporadic dance, I noticed that my friend always came back with more insights, personal growth stories, and/or a desire for deeper connection. Because of this continuous return, I accepted that this is probably just my friend’s communication pace and style, which is totally fine with me. I’m actually quite impressed with how courageous my friend has been in their willingness to face the topics and ideas that I bring up. Not only that, they ask questions that have me wondering and challenging my own thought patterns. We recently started talking a bit more frequently but I noticed that our focus seems to have shifted more towards shared interests (videogames, music, anime) than constant deep dives, which seems to have helped a lot to balance the intensity of our conversations.
My friend made a comment one day, thanking me for still being kind each time they reach out even though we talk so infrequently. I didn’t understand, how else was I supposed to respond? Take it personally that they might need space to process and treat them poorly? They’ve always been so sweet and kind to me in their approach. I didn’t see why I should treat them any differently. My friend explained not everyone responds this way and some actually do not take their need for space well.
Through the years I’ve watched this friend learn, grow, and evolve. There was this one time my friend was struggling with really deep emotions, requesting my help, and sharing what they were going through. My intuition told me to let my friend finish fully before responding so I waited. It took around half an hour for my friend’s stream of consciousness to finish. What was fascinating is how my friend essentially worked through those intense emotions within that timeframe, self reflected, and came up with insights and potential solutions on how to deal with what was happening with exceptional clarity and wisdom. I took the opportunity to point out to them how incredible it was to read through their thought process and alerted them that they actually already had the answers they seek, they didn’t need me to give them the answers. I believe what they needed was for me to hold the space for their self discovery, not for me to save them. This was such a proud moment for me seeing their growth over time, resilience, self awareness and problem solving skills at work. I am glad they felt safe enough to have these conversations with me and to keep coming back for more, no matter how difficult it was to face these parts of themself.
This realization of my own impactful energy is still relatively new to me and therefore I’m not exactly sure what to do about it especially when it’s out of my control. Just me being authentically myself can be quite jarring for people. I enjoy diving deep with others but am also aware it can scare people off. I guess I’ll have to continue sitting with this paradox of the dichotomy of my energetic impact and my desire for deep connection for now. I think the best I can do is just respect people’s need for space and welcome them back with open arms when they’re ready for more.
I’ve also noticed that with each passing day, my desire for deep connection grows more and more. In a world where our attention is constantly divided and drawn all over the place, everything and everyone wanting our attention, I feel an incredibly strong yearning for something different where I can focus my time and energy into. But at the same time figuring out how to balance that intensity I crave. I’m also still learning to recognize when someone might need space before they explicitly say so or simply disappear for a while. Beyond their obvious lack of response, I’m trying to become more attuned to subtle shifts in energy during our interactions — perhaps a slight hesitation in responses or a shift to more surface-level topics. This is an evolving awareness for me, and I welcome any insights others might have about recognizing these cues earlier. Idk, anyone have any suggestions on what else I can do than what I’ve already been doing? lol. I’m open to ideas.