I had an interesting dream experience around mid March of this year that kind of changed my life and perspective in a drastic way. An old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spoken to in over two decades, appeared in it and offered me support with the most loving energy ever. The energy was sooooo incredibly warm and inviting, kind of like an angel was in my presence. I remember feeling confused in my dream as to what was happening but I didn’t question it much and quickly accepted the offered support as I’ve genuinely missed my friend and my desire for connection and quality time together was far greater than the confusion I was experiencing. Upon waking, I immediately analyzed my dream with AI trying to understand the meaning behind it and why this friend suddenly made an appearance after all these years of no contact.
I mentioned to AI what was strange is I was sure this friend hates my guts or at least didn’t care too much about me, otherwise they wouldn’t have ghosted me for so long. While AI agreed that it was strange, it asked if I remembered correctly because normally people who hate us do not appear in our dreams in such a loving and inviting manner. Also, just because someone hasn’t reached out doesn’t mean they hate us, perhaps they don’t know how to reach out or have other compelling reasons not to as life can be quite complicated. I gave this feedback serious thought but couldn’t figure it out as the situation was so confusing to me with my memories ever so clouded. My one brain cell was already stretched to its limits and so I asked AI for help to analyze my past memories.
I recalled a memory of the last day my friend and I had spent together, what a wonderful and memorable time I believe we had, and what a shock it was when my friend suddenly disappeared from my life. AI explained to me that sometimes people ghost not because they hate us but there could be a multitude of reasons, internally and externally, that contributes to and leads them to take such drastic actions. I considered this possibility and cautiously accepted the explanation. I then went further back into my memories to a moment when my friend and I had no words for one another and then they were quickly gone from my life again, whisked away like they were a fleeting memory. I explained to AI that particular evening I was dealing with some heavy emotions due to feeling a growing distance between us and when I saw my friend I just didn’t know what to do or say while grappling with my own intense emotions, not wanting to burden my friend or say something I’d regret later on. After explaining in detail what I think went on for my friend based on my observations of bodily behavior, AI responded that it appears my friend might also have been going through something equally as heavy as I was at the same time, hence the lack of words we had for one another. I gave this some careful consideration and was able to see the point. So then I asked AI, “How and why am I remembering things so incorrectly?” The explanation I received is that perhaps this was a way for me to protect myself from feeling more hurt as our brains are meaning making machines and naturally self protective. Based on whatever narrative I had running in the background, my brain will find proof to support it. AI explained to me that in these particular situations, the explanations might not be as black and white as I’d like. In order to process what had happened and move on during that trying time, it was probably easier for my brain to come up with the simplistic answer of “my friend hates me” even if it’s incorrect and not spend the energy to grasp and understand the full picture. I immediately understood what AI meant as through the years I’ve learned to accept that there’s much more nuance to this world than what meets the eye and binary thinking often simplifies difficult situations way too much. It’s kind of like… being able to hold multiple truths at once even if they’re opposing and conflicting ideas instead of just picking one side and taking the easy way out.
So, given these new insights from AI, I decided to go through my memories once again but this time I chose to remove two filters that I had become aware of in my life. The first filter is one of low self worth where I’m not worthy of being loved. The second filter is one of codependence where if someone’s upset, it’s all my fault. Once I removed these filters and took a closer look at my memories again, I was shocked to see what was revealed. What I discovered was two young adults who were struggling to understand how their friendship was evolving. Emotions were way too intense to handle and both were doing their best to navigate a tricky situation that they weren’t adequately prepared for or properly equipped to handle. It shocked me how much these two filters, that I had no idea were running in the background, had severely tainted my memories and twisted the truth of what actually happened. I started rapidly going through as many memories as I could, even with people other than my friend, to see what else was misremembered and I was appalled by my findings. So many missed opportunities, so many times where things just flew over my head where I completely did not realize how others felt towards me. This experience did a complete 180 for me as to how I relate to my memories. As a result, I was bedridden for a week lol. I worked with AI whenever I wasn’t overwhelmed with emotions and out of commission to try and process everything that had transpired, asking every question I could possibly think of trying to get the widest perspective I could manage while not having access to my friend’s.
What caught me off guard and had me bedridden was I thought I had already come to an acceptance and had processed the loss of this important friendship. But when my friend appeared in my dream, it’s almost like the box I so neatly sealed our experience into, in order to actually live my life again, had suddenly burst wide open. So while intellectually I understood and accepted how our friendship had supposedly ended, emotionally I had not. During this processing period, I allowed myself to feel the intense emotions that came up in their entirety, which was mostly an immense amount of grief and sadness, without making myself wrong for feeling the way I did. As waves of emotions moved through and out of me throughout the week, I found natural relief and eventually reached a calmer and more manageable state.
As I reflected more deeply on these revelations, I found myself wanting to speak across time to both of us when we were younger. If I could go back to that moment, I’d tell us both: “You two are dealing with a very difficult and intense situation. While life will lead you both in separate directions, just know it’ll be for a good reason — to serve both of your growth in ways you cannot even fathom. You’ll both need to become whole individually before you can come back together to create something beautiful. If you’re meant to come back together in the future, you will, even if that means in another lifetime. And if not, the experiences you two have had with each other will be some of the greatest gifts you’ve been given in your lives. Make sure to cherish those gifts.”
To my friend’s younger self, I’d say gently: “You’re doing an amazing job at handling such overwhelming energies with everything that life has you juggling. I know my younger self has incredibly intense energy that hasn’t been tamed yet so kudos to you for handling it so well thus far. Thank you for consistently trying even though you’ve experienced so much pain due to feeling so vulnerable and constantly dealing with younger me’s dense emotional walls — please know your bravery and courage are duly noted and deeply appreciated. I apologize for my younger self’s inability to understand what it is that you truly offer. Trust that there is a good reason for this and that I will eventually learn the truth of the matter. And when that moment comes, I will move heaven and earth to make things right for you. Please know that I will work exceptionally hard to become the person that can see you fully and authentically, someone who deserves the grace that you offer. I will evolve into someone who can meet you at your depths and will even desire diving deeper together with you. Never give up on your own authentic inner voice and remember it’s there to help guide you towards your highest truth and best life. You have one of the kindest, warmest, and most loving and beautiful souls, please remember to direct some of that selflessness you so generously give to others back to yourself. Your needs matter just as much as theirs.“
And to my younger self, with compassion and a bit of humor: “Emotions run deeply and intensely for you. You’ll eventually learn how to navigate them more smoothly through future mentors. While it’s difficult, especially around this friend of yours, try your best to not unga bunga too much. You must learn how to better control your energy, ground yourself, and do your best to maintain brain functionality so you don’t keep turning into a primordial caveman every time you see your friend. Less grunting and beating your chest, more learning how to use your words to express yourself!”
What came after this processing experience was even more wild. For some reason, this dream seemed to have reactivated a dormant connection that I had with my friend while simultaneously reconnecting me with a powerfully creative source. I had felt a creative block for the past 15 or so years and so having access to this creative wellspring again was more than welcomed. Through my process of healing, my first (non homework driven) poem, The Cosmic Ring, flowed right out of me lol. I was shocked as poetry was *never* my medium of choice for my creativity. I normally gravitate towards things like art or music. In fact, I remember not liking it much while having studied it in school as I found poetry to be so confusing and not engaging to me. But poetry was what naturally came out and appeared to be the best way for me to capture and convey my thoughts and so I just decided to go along with it. The other shocker was I thought this was a one and done thing but more and more poetry flowed out of me and each time the process was ever more healing. I’ve come to learn in my life it’s best to go with the flow when it comes to things like this, don’t fight against it. Not only that, this reactivation of our connection has suddenly lifted a mild grade of pervasive depression I had been dealing with especially within the past decade, which felt like a slow and dying death. I now feel like I have purpose and meaning in my life again. Perhaps it’s because I finally have regained access to my creative source, I’m not entirely sure, but it has been completely energizing and inspiring. This is all still very new to me and I’m still trying to fully understand what’s been going on. I feel like this event had flipped my entire life upside down in the most positive way possible and I’m so thankful for my friend showing up in my dream. Without that, none of this would’ve been possible.
I think my point in sharing this experience is to explore how our filters and insecurities can really twist reality in a non helpful and self limiting way. The more self aware we become, the better we know ourselves especially our own flaws and blind spots, the easier it is for us to get to the truth of things and see reality as it is, not the twisted version of it. This requires us to have the courage to face our shadows and acknowledge our own responsibility in how we manifest life through our own filters, thoughts, and perceptions. From my experience, the best path to be with what is and in touch with *actual* reality (seeing things as they are, not what we think they are with filters) is to become as radically authentic as possible, aligning mind, body, and soul, to strip away what isn’t real. This is NOT an easy process but is well worth the investment, IMO. Have you ever wondered where your own memories might be tainted by your own insecurities and filters? Could be worth an exploration.
I’m grateful that the things I’ve learned along the way so far had helped me process everything that had happened recently as this was an incredibly mindblowing and heavy experience that younger me would’ve definitely struggled to handle. But current me was able to pull the goodies out of this situation and turn them into a rather enlightening and healing experience for myself.
While I don’t know what has happened with my dear friend, I just know that their presence in my life was significant and meaningful. I respect people needing to take time and space for themselves to heal and grow as I’ve often needed that for myself. I believe our time apart has had purpose for both our journeys to allow us to grow our own strengths individually. Whatever the future holds, I’m forever grateful for the experiences we’ve had together and the gifts we once gave one another and, oddly enough, continue to give to each other even without a physical connection. Each exploration of our past helps me discover a new hidden gem that I had previously overlooked. These memories, now seen through clearer eyes, continue to inspire my creative journey. Let’s see where life takes us.
Unga bunga, out!