An interesting memory about “love blueprints” had surfaced for me recently. I suddenly remembered a situation I had with an ex from my very early days of college.
I remember walking down a street in the city with my ex and they had pointed out their favorite car to me, the ever elusive mythical creature, the “Acura Infiniti G35.” I was taken a bit aback by that comment. Confused, I asked, “Do you mean… Infiniti G35 👀? I’m pretty sure Acura and Infiniti are two different car companies…..?” My ex dismissively responded with an attitude, “I’m correct. What do you know?” And I remember thinking to myself, “That they’re not related!?!? But whatever, you do you!” The situation was so confusing to me that I don’t know if I even knew how to respond to them at the time. If my ex had said Honda and Acura, I could’ve understood the confusion. But Acura and Infiniti? The connection was lost on lil ole autistic me. All I know was that I felt pretty icky after that interaction.
Another memory about that ex surfaced afterwards. I remember that same day, once we got off the train and started heading into the crowded station, my ex immediately walked ahead of me. I remember watching them get further and further away, gradually disappearing into the sea of people, and I fearfully scrambled to catch up so that we don’t get separated. For someone who barely ever travels alone, especially to new locations, that was probably one of the scariest experiences I had back then — feeling lost and abandoned in a crowded station. While I was relieved I eventually caught up to my ex, I was feeling all sorts of things. Mostly wanting to send a giant kick up their 🍑
Anyway, some time after, I spent the day in the city with a dear friend of mine. A similar situation happened except upon exiting the train, my friend immediately grabbed my hand and held onto it until we got to a less crowded area. I remember that moment so clearly, staring at my friend’s hand in disbelief. The contrast between that moment and the one with my ex was way too clear and jarring for me, it kind of broke my brain. Unga bunga. I wondered to myself, “Whaaaaat is happening right now…? Why do I feel so loved?!” Maybe it’s the part of me that really enjoys being nurtured and cared for that was activated in the moment. Whatever the case, the contrast further reminded me that something was not right in my relationship with my ex.
Little did I know, this small yet simple action by my dear friend left a huge imprint on my love blueprint — that this is what being loved, cared for, and cherished feels like. What a memorable moment! As I reflect back on this particular friend, I feel so grateful that they had given me so many different frames of reference of what it means to be truly loved, seen, heard, appreciated, and cherished by another so that I can now recognize it in other situations and know when someone actually loves and cares for me.
BTW, you don’t have to feel bad for my ex. A week into our relationship, they asked me when I was going to start doing their laundry. I remember thinking, “What? I don’t even know how to do my own laundry. Why TF would I want to do yours??” I think I just gave them a look and was like, “Uh………….. (awkward)” Also, is that really a week 1 type of question when it comes to dating? I’d imagine questions that help us get to know each other better are far more important? Unless not having their partner clean their stanky undies is an absolute deal breaker for them??? If so, then I guess they asked the right question that early into the relationship lol. Don’t worry though, I did not do their laundry. In fact, what I would’ve loved to do is cut holes into their undies or — oooooOOHHHHHH~ something I saw on insta(!) — wash their undies with hot peppers!!! That would’ve been so fun!!!!!! 😏🤣
I think you might also like to know that I did eventually learn how to do laundry though! While I might feel useless at times, I’m not completely useless 🤪. Aren’t you proud of me? I sure am! I can clean my own stanky undies now!!! But the fascinating thing is through the years, I’ve learned that when I truly love and care about the person I’m with, I am totally open and happy to help with their laundry even without them asking ❤️🥰. Now how often I do laundry is a whole other story. I thought I was being smart by buying 60 pairs of undies but who knew I’d run out of my other clothes first? I might need to re-think this strategy. I guess if you don’t want to do laundry, just live your life in the nude. You can thank me for this hot tip later.
I find it very interesting how I show up differently with different people. I’ve learned that when I feel loved, supported, cherished, respected, seen, and heard, I am much more open to expressing those nurturing and caring parts of myself. But when I don’t, it feels like I have giant walls up and I need to protect myself as it seems unsafe and I do not trust the other person to protect me or have my best interests at heart.
It probably wouldn’t be a surprise for you to learn that the relationship with my ex didn’t last very long. I think after the first week of us being officially together, I had a sneaky suspicion our relationship wasn’t going to work out well. Unfortunately, I didn’t trust my own intuition. I guess my mind reasoned that I should give it more time to see if things could improve, like perhaps I was just being too overly sensitive and judgmental. But nope, my intuition was spot on. I guess the silver lining is that this short lived experience gave me a chance to see patterns of behavior to watch out for in the future.
After a few months of ample confirmations and finding my desire to spend time with my ex practically zilch, I finally decided to officially end things… through instant messaging. My younger autistic self was quite efficient, wouldn’t you agree 🤣😉? At the time, I think I felt so disgusted with the relationship, feeling so dismissed and disrespected, that I didn’t feel it warranted more than a quick “just making sure you know we are no longer together” type of message. I believed they must’ve known it wasn’t working out as well, that it wasn’t just me. Their response let me know that the feeling was mutual so that was good — the break-up didn’t come at a surprise to either of us. It was important for me to make sure we were on the same page and to make it official, just in case. I don’t like to leave things hanging usually, especially not matters related to the heart.
Anyway, what a fascinating person. While this was my first “official” relationship, it definitely was NOT my first love (that’s someone super special!), and so I think there was a lot I had to learn from my experience with this particular person. Basically — here are a bunch of red flags, here’s what you can and cannot tolerate, and this is what it looks like to not be in a loving and mutually respectful relationship. Learn to spot the warning signs earlier next time!
It’s funny how the relationship started from physical attraction but then now when I think of my ex, my gut reaction is not pleasant. I remember scrolling through my LinkedIn one day at work many years ago and suddenly saw that my ex’s photo had appeared in the “list of people you might know” area. A bit startled, I commented to my colleague standing next to me that the person is my ex. My colleague then pointed out my ex’s attractiveness. I wanted to f@#k!%g puke lol. I guess what my mom has always told me is right — that it doesn’t matter how physically attractive someone is, if they don’t have a good heart, one that’s capable of truly loving and caring for others, it really doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, sometimes it does take time for people’s hearts to truly reveal themselves. I think the key is to know how to protect ourselves, identify when it’s time to leave, and be okay moving on when that reveal does happen.
Looking back, I imagine my ex’s behavior might’ve come from their environment — they shared with me that they weren’t born in the U.S., that they had a rough upbringing without proper role models, and that it was difficult for them to be in a whole new environment without much support. I’d imagine this is a stressful situation to be in that doesn’t offer a lot of security, so perhaps that’s why my ex wasn’t able to show up as their best. Like, how do people provide a sense of safety and security for others when they themselves do not feel secure? I’d imagine that’d require some type of superhuman emotional and psychological mastery. I do hope that my ex has eventually found some stability and an inner sense of security in their life though. It doesn’t change what happened between us, in that short-lived relationship, but it definitely helps me understand my past experiences with them better and why they showed up in such a way.
As I reflect back on my experiences in life and my immediate dismissal of my own intuition with thoughts like, “Oh they have it worse than you do, you should be the bigger person / be more tolerating of their less than ideal behavior” I’ve come to realize that every time I didn’t listen to my intuition, I’d experience a lot of frustration and suffering. It’s almost like my intuition always knows what’s good for me and wants to protect me, but then whatever I learned about how to be a “good” person, socially speaking, would really muck things up when I don’t listen to my inner protector. This has me pondering what being a “good” person actually means and why I was taught self sacrifice to an extreme is even necessary. Like, why do I need to punish myself just because someone else had it worse? I understand the need for compassion and empathy for others’ pain, but what I don’t understand is why I need to suffer as well for something that had nothing to do with me.
Earlier this year, I actually had someone indirectly say to my face that I needed to be the “bigger person” as my boundaries were “making things more difficult” for the group. I remember my inner Nine-tails immediately firing up. My response to them was, “If you enjoy being abused, be my guest, you can have all of it. I have ZERO interest in participating in that dysfunction. Leave me out of it.” And I left it at that. No regrets! Not maintaining my strict boundaries meant I would then have to participate in a power dynamic relationship again, and I chose not to.
The belief that we must sacrifice or give way to others who had it “worse” than us, that we need to excuse their bad behavior, is complete bullshirt AND it’s also incredibly harmful to both us AND the person we end up enabling. The good news is when we can see the part that we play in enabling dysfunctional relationships, that’s when we can make different choices that are healthier for both parties. So, perhaps instead of thinking that we need to give way to those who had it rougher, a healthier alternative could be that we acknowledge everyone has a different life path, some involving more struggles than others, and that’s okay. It is not our fault. Remember that your needs are just as valid and important as others’, regardless of who wins the “I’ve had it the worst” fight, and to try to create win-win situations whenever possible. And when someone shows you they have no interest in fairness, that they want to benefit from your loss, then it’s clear they’re not someone you want to have around.
While I can appreciate my ex for showing me exactly what I don’t want in a relationship, I’m also super grateful that we were only together for such a short amount of time. Can you imagine what horrible things could’ve ended up happening if I had stayed longer? I’d imagine things would’ve only continued getting worse and become even more demoralizing, potentially bringing out the worst in me. If all it took was a few months for me to see the lack of respect, dismissiveness, and lack of care, I really wonder what else was waiting for me down the road. Knowing myself and what my inner protector is capable of, I could’ve ended up in jail! And I was much too adorable back then for jail!!! But maybe in a less lethal situation, I would’ve joyfully and voluntarily done their laundry for them with the new laundry detergent called Hot Pepper Spices kekekekekeke 😏
So now I wonder… has there been anyone in your life who has given you a blueprint of love that set the standards so high for love that it lets you know what’s possible? If so, perhaps a moment of gratitude for them could be nice. If not, perhaps you were the one who had given that blueprint to another? If so, thank you for being you, you special loving person!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Aiite. Chaos baby OUT! Pz and curly fries!