I had an interesting memory come up recently. I don’t think I’ve shared this with anyone, aside from one person after it suddenly came to mind, but I remember back in the day making the decision to transfer schools in order to be closer to my twin flame. While I did interview at their school and iirc was accepted, I didn’t end up choosing to go there because it was way too expensive and I had found another school that was less wallet emptying that also aligned more with my personal interests. I figured if we were both in the city, there could be many more opportunities for us to spend time together. Apparently, I had kept this decision so close to heart that I even forgot it myself lol. This is definitely one of those memories that had been compartmentalized away so hard that it suddenly crept up on me as I’ve been slowly excavating my memories.
Just a FYI, I’m really bad with dates and it’s been taking me quite a lot of effort to figure out the timeline of how things happened. For example, I thought the birthday gathering I invited my twin flame to happened during the first year of college but when I found the photos recently and saw the actual dates, I learned it was actually the year after. I don’t remember when exactly I had made the choice to transfer schools, before or after the birthday gathering, but I do remember spending the semester after on transfer logistics. I wonder if it all happened around the same time?
I cannot remember when I had found this out either — I assume before or during my first semester of my transfer university because that’s when my painting teacher suggested that I go to therapy lol — but I had learned that my twin flame was no longer living in the country. I think one day I had noticed my twin flame’s Facebook account had suddenly “gone dark” and there was a new friend suggestion that might’ve been their new account. I tried adding that new account but I don’t believe my friend request was ever accepted. I actually have no idea if that was my twin flame’s new account or someone else’s. But after not hearing back, I reached out to a mutual friend of ours to inquire about my twin flame’s whereabouts. What I discovered through our mutual friend completely recontextualized everything.
Through our mutual friend, I learned that my twin flame had moved away internationally and was dealing with depression. I was shocked to hear that. It did explain the “going dark” and sudden ghosting, but I wondered why they never shared with me what they were struggling because I would’ve wanted to be there for them to help them get through it. I also think that my codependent filter noticed my twin flame responded to our friend but not to me, so it must’ve jumped to the conclusion that I had somehow upset them, because of course why not, and that they had every right to ghost me. In a strange but perhaps incorrect way, I thought I understood their need for space because of a mistake that I had accidentally made that I was unaware of. I was used to this already as I had grown up in an environment where I was always blamed for others’ “negative” emotions and so I never knew what I did wrong. I just knew anytime someone was upset, it was probably my fault.
In hindsight, I understand that it’s not easy for someone dealing with depression to seek help from others especially when intense emotions might be linked to that person. When I went through it myself, I basically X’ed everyone out of my life lol. Even when people had reached out with love and care, I just didn’t have the capacity to communicate back. I really wanted to be left alone. I thought maybe this is what my twin flame would prefer as well. Even though I wanted to be there for them, I decided it was probably best to respect their need for privacy and space, so I didn’t pursue the connection further. Plus, my hyper vigilant low self worth filter ended up using all of this as proof that my twin flame hated me and so it was probably best not to upset them even further, which I now know isn’t true.
But can you imagine my surprise, after having gone through the entire school transfer process, ready for a new start and looking forward to having more special moments with my twin flame, just to learn that they had quietly left the country lol. Surprised Pikachu face! I can’t possibly be that stinky that they’d have to flee to a whole other country, right?!? 😔😫🥺 When I reflect back on the irony of this situation, I can’t help but think that the universe must’ve really wanted me to focus on my own personal growth and ensured that it would happen no matter what. The universe was so committed that I bet if I had followed my twin flame to whatever new continent they were in, they would’ve intuitively left that continent as well lmao 🤣
I don’t think back then I realized how difficult the separation would’ve been, where I would’ve needed to compartmentalize ALL of our memories away into a neat little box and shove it as far back into the furthest crevices of my mind as possible just to continue living. Basically, an out of sight out of mind type of situation. I compartmentalized so well that I basically had horse blinders on and hyper-focused on my own path. I think I intuitively believed that when the time is right, my twin flame will find me again. And they did, at least in a dream earlier this year, which completely changed my life. In hindsight, I think everything happened exactly as it needed to for us to grow into who we needed to be.
I had a chat with a friend recently about exactly this situation and how if I hadn’t transferred schools, went through the experiences that I did, met the people that I did (e.g. soul connections, meditation teacher, best friend, etc.), that I literally wouldn’t be here as I am today. My life would’ve been completely different. Things needed to miraculously and divinely happen at this level of perfection for me to have gone through my dark night of the soul and come out on the other side more mature with shadows faced, lessons learned and integrated.
So, I am not at all upset with how things happened in the past; I completely understand why everything needed to happen the way they did and I accept that this was all divinely planned. I don’t see how I could’ve learned the lessons that I learned and reconnected with my purpose any other way. Every situation, no matter how rough, lead to the next — like stepping stones on this ornately intricate path, one by one, leading me back to my authentic Self. After weaving together each part of my journey, I’ve come to a sense of acceptance and peace for all that had happened and understand why it was all necessary.
I just thought this was such an interesting memory because even if my mind wasn’t aware of the why, my intuition knew at the time that this person (my twin flame) was very important to me and that I needed to be closer to them where I was willing to shift my entire life path to make that happen. As emotionally dense as I was at the time, my intuition also knew that I needed to give my twin flame space to heal instead of chasing after and harassing them. This reminds me that my intuition is very on point and that I can continue trusting it, which is what I’ve been doing more and more.
Sometimes I do wonder what could’ve happened if my twin flame and I were both more able to understand and express our emotional needs better with one another back then. Would we have been happy to find out our intense feelings for one another were mutual? Probably. But my train of thought always leads back to us having a long separation because otherwise we most likely would’ve ended up in those toxic twin flame push and pull cycles. And I don’t know which is worse lol — what we went through or being stuck in a toxic and dysfunctional cycle. I’m going to guess the latter. I’m kind of grateful for the clean cut my twin flame gifted me because it forced me to really focus on myself and my own personal growth.
Knowing how codependent I used to be, with that overworked and hypervigilant low self worth filter running in the background, I’m sure that would’ve made things even worse between us. I’m at peace with how things panned out as I believe it got me to where I needed to be — incredibly happy with the results! Hopefully my twin flame is equally as happy with theirs. Knowing how twin flames generally have mirrored journeys, I’m going to guess that my twin flame has also learned and integrated many of life’s harsh lessons and has evolved into a much more exquisite version of themselves. And if not yet, don’t worry, metamorphosis is right around the corner lol. It’s coming whether they like it or not 🤣
Part of me was hesitant to share this particular memory as I have no idea where my twin flame is on their journey atm and was afraid this information might make them feel guilty for having ghosted when they really don’t need to feel that way — everything worked out well, at least on my end. I’m unsure if they had also found self-forgiveness and self-acceptance, and if their protective filters/mechanisms are incredibly strong still, it might be difficult for them to see past their self perceived mistakes. If this is the case, that’s totally okay. Nothing wrong with that — we are where we are at. However, I’ve come to learn that when my intuition nudges me to share something, there usually is a good reason for it. And so I trust that this information will be received exactly as it needs to be.
Regarding the latest poem that I had shared a few days ago, I suddenly woke up from a nap earlier in the week and felt compelled to write down whatever was coming through and the poem just spilled out of me. If my intuition is correct, I wonder if my twin flame might be nearing the end of their own dark night of the soul journey. Perhaps their old sense of Self is disintegrating faster than they can create a new Self and that can be an extremely scary place to be in such a limbo state. Hopefully as they shed their antiquated layers, they remember who they authentically are and are ready to create themselves anew. If this is truly where they’re at… that’s super exciting! A blank slate. A new beginning. Wooo!!!!!
I spoke with a dear friend about this as she had also gone through her own rebirth (or at least is definitely over the halfway mark IMO) and she asked me how I felt during my void state. I really had to give this some thought as that phase of my life was so strange. I just remember feeling very angry, lost, and a bit nihilistic. Like, I couldn’t connect with who I used to be but I also didn’t know who I was to become. I also couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do next due to that pervasive depression as nothing was truly interesting to me. I was in a limbo state for quite some time that, at times, I was concerned if this is all there is to life. In hindsight, that state was necessary for me to fester in to really clear out my slate so that I can have a blank canvas to create from.
I remember chatting with my divination AI about being knee deep in uncertainty and long waiting periods, how agonizing it feels, and it basically said that I should enjoy my down time while I can because what’s coming after is going to be intense lol. It recommended that I think of it as an intentional resting period where I can take a breather and prepare for what’s coming, that once things ramp up, I will wish I had time to be still and relaxed. I so am glad I listened to it because what’s happening now is one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had in my life lmao. I don’t mind it but I definitely feel like that limbo period was the calm before the storm. Oddly enough, I am kind of feeling the same again during this waiting period and wondering what’s waiting for me down the road. Basically — “down times” serve an important purpose even if it’s to rest and recover.
This whole journey taught me the importance of being vividly clear on my core values, which a year of therapy helped me identify. After identifying them, I took a magnifying glass to examine all areas in my life that didn’t align with those values to remove whatever was holding me down. Through this process, it became exceptionally clear to me where I needed boundaries and which people I needed to cut out of my life or maintain a healthy distance from. On the flip side, it also helped me identify who my inner circle is even better as I noticed that my close friends share a lot of the same core values as I do. It helped me love and appreciate them even more! 🥰
Post boundaries, I ended up focusing and investing a lot of my energy back into my own life and I think that’s when I was finally able to evolve my unevolved feminine energy of codependency and being a martyr to their evolved and healthier, more balanced, states where I was giving from a much healthier space and no longer enabling dysfunction and sacrificing my own needs for others’. Investing all of that time back into my Self instead of wasting that energy into people who didn’t see my true value (they only saw me as a source of supply) gave me the best ROI. I was no longer dumping my precious energy into endless and meaningless voids.
When making choices based off of my core values, saying no became a lot easier. Being a yes to everyone without discernment left me with not much for myself. I had no idea how much of my own time and energy I was wasting on people who really didn’t need to be a part of my life, people who didn’t truly value what it is that I brought to the table, people whose values didn’t align with mine. So, being able to have some metric to base my decisions off of (my core values) made my choices so much clearer. It was no longer, “I don’t want to be mean so I’m just going to sacrifice my time here” and now it’s, “Does this even align with my values? If so, do I have the capacity to engage with this at the time? Does this bring any value to my life?”
The other important part I thought is finally having self acceptance. Somehow, through my conversations with AI, I was able to thread a needle through many of my past experiences — positive and negative — and accept why things had to happen the way that they did. One thing led to the next and the next and the next. This naturally helped give me self-acceptance and self-forgiveness for my own perceived past mistakes because apparently they were just a part of the learning and growing process. I think what was most important is knowing that I’ve come a long way from who I used to be. And as long as I stay aware, present, always willing to improve and do better, and always strive for what’s authentic, I should be fine.
Getting out of my dark forest was definitely one of those “key” moments in my journey and it wasn’t an overnight thing, it was something I noticed over time. Just because I got through it doesn’t mean I don’t make the same mistakes from time to time. When I’m not being present, and am acting from an “automatic” space, sometimes I can still make the same mistakes. But I think the key difference these days is how quickly I become aware of what’s happening and how quickly I can snap back to where I need to be. It’s definitely much faster than before. I also seem to move on faster and not punish myself as hard as before.
If my journey resonates with you and you’re currently in your own transformational journey — you’re going through your own dark night of the soul journey, have confronted your shadows, faced and integrated the lessons, and are in a liminal space of not knowing what’s next — then congratulations! What a wonderful space to be in as the universe has carved out sacred space for you to slow down and figure out next steps. While it might not feel that way, it’s a great time for you to actually choose and create your new beliefs and how you want to see the world. We didn’t quite have a choice when we were babies as beliefs were passed down onto us. Not all of those beliefs were great. But now, we actually get to pick all of the goodies we want and toss out the stuff that no longer serve us. The possibilities are endless. Pick well and run with it! Choose beliefs that future you will thank you for. I’m rooting for you, you magnificent person!!!
Aja aja FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!! 💪💪💪💪
P.S. Idk how my twin flame is such a ghost. After they came into my dream, I tried looking at their uni’s yearbooks, hoping to be pleasantly surprised by a trace of them, but instead I had to go wash my eyes. I went through quite a few yearbooks and gdi, some of their fellow peers really enjoy posing in the nude. It’s one thing if I’m expecting the nudity and a whole other thing when I’m not. Can you imagine my horror as I’m flipping through pages looking for a sweet, gentle, and recognizable face only to be met with random NIPS, BOBBIES, & CROTCH here and there??? At some point I had to stop my search because I was becoming TRAUMATIZED by all of the sudden and unexpected nudity. Once was whatever, twice was ugh, by the third time I was just like EEEEPP GET ME TF OUTTA HERE!!! Like, why did they have to pick the one school with all of these exhibitionists?!? Yeah I wanted to find my twin flame, but not when I’m being assaulted by nudists. I’m sorry, my heart can only take so much shock in one day. I took it as a sign the Universe didn’t want me to keep looking. Now, I have to rely on my blog and hope its beacon reaches my twin flame. At least my blog isn’t broadcasting nudity, just a lot of dumb, unhinged, and scatological humor. GDI — my virgin eyes!!! 😫
Also, I should probably hire my twin flame to erase me from the internetz. They’re way too good at being ninja 🤔. I’ve had someone confidently take on the challenge of finding my twin flame only to come up empty handed. I’m like yeah, sounds about right. If my twin flame owns one of those “erase me from the internet” companies, imma be like shut up and take my money NAO cuz that shizz is working real well! 💵
To my twin flame — why so ninja? I’m not stinky no mo’. I swear I shower every day! I even have different types of shampoos and body wash. I smell like a secret garden without the manure. Please don’t be afraid! I smell goot on most days!