I was recently reminded of a story that my mother tells me from time to time about how happy I was as a baby.
My mom used to have a path that she’d take to pick my sibling up from school. On one particular street, the elderly and retired would chill outside of their homes in their yards together and whenever they saw baby me pass by in the stroller, their faces would light up.
My mom said that the elderly were drawn to my joy, wild hair, delicious toes, and radiant smile. Apparently, they found baby me sucking on my tiny toes *super* cute. Mmmmm mmm delish! Mom said they just adored me so much and would always stop her just to spend a few moments with me. If it’s one person that’s fine, but no, it was like a string of them and she had to make stops at every single house lmao. At some point, she felt so frustrated as her time was completely eaten up by these daily greetings she had to find a new path with a giant detour to pick my sibling up from school just to avoid that particular street and claim her time back.
I have no memories of this btw. I barely have any memories of my childhood, only very few key moments. So it’s strange hearing about my younger life from my mom as I have no recollection. She also told me we used to have to wash my hair every single night after dinner because… apparently… I loved to stuff rice into my mouth and then stuff even more rice into my hair lol. Little did she know, baby me knew my hair needed to eat too so I made sure it was properly fed. Clearly, baby me I was very thoughtful. Hair was very happy.
What strikes me most about this story isn’t just the image of baby me stopping traffic with pure joy — it’s how foreign that version of myself felt for so long. I remember sometimes feeling a bit bewildered about that story because I had felt I lost a lot of that light and radiance I had as a baby. I’d remember feeling sad wondering where that part of myself went. That genuine joy for life, just gone. I guess experiences in life either taught me to suppress my own light or it had been naturally dimmed due to life circumstances.
I think through my life, I had learned that if I shine too brightly, it turns me into a target. That brightness makes others uncomfortable, which can mean trouble for me. If I’m too happy on the outside, other people might pick me out to bully, especially if they’ve lost sight of their own inner light. So I think the most protective thing I could do growing up was to make sure that joy, light, and radiance was kept hidden whenever possible. It’d only really come out with friends I really trusted or in places I actually felt safe. It saddened me that I didn’t know what happened to that happy baby me. Especially during my dark night of the soul journey, it was nowhere to be seen.
When I was fighting my way through my dark forest and grieving the loss of my innocence, childhood dreams, naiveté, etc., it was especially difficult to connect with this story as I didn’t know where that happy go lucky, radiant and full of smiles baby me went. I wished so desperately that it was still there, that baby me wasn’t lost but I couldn’t see it through all the darkness. I just felt so nihilistic and was way too depressed to care. That was such a sad time and completely broke my heart.
After making my way out of the dark forest, rebuilding my foundation for life from scratch and whatever I wanted to bring forth with me, and a long integration period, I started feeling more like myself but with upgrades. And much to my delight, after clearing away all of those shadows and darkness, reconnecting with my creative source and release of my depressive state, this experience had given me a path back to that happy go lucky and radiant baby me. I think that was the biggest surprise to me in the aftermath of this time of my life, to have discovered that joy and light was still there, it had never left. I was just too afraid to embody it as life had taught me it’s dangerous to. But now? IDGAFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I’mma be happy and radiant 🤣. Apparently, the road to my most authentic self meant to rediscover that radiant happy baby me who loved life still existed underneath all of that gunk I had to clear away through befriending my shadows and integrating their lessons.
This whole journey has me wondering about all of us… what do you remember about your younger self, parts of you that perhaps might’ve been suppressed or dimmed that you remember to be so vital for your health and wellbeing? Are there parts that still exist but might be hidden away due to self protection in this crucible of a world? Are there moments where you can reconnect with that vital part of yourself and to remember who and what you truly are? Maybe it’s time to finally clear away that debris and let those parts out again…
AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!! 💪💪💪💪