Recently I had an interesting experience where I entered a shared energetic space with a friend. Through that experience, I was reminded of a shadow class that my meditation teacher had invited me to many years ago and realized how profound that class has been for my personal growth. Basically it allowed me to witness the raw power of my own anger and rage, where I had previously kept suppressing it. It took 6 people to hold me back and that completely surprised me considering how I’ve always known myself to be kind of small and fragile.
Ever since I took that shadow class, where I finally allowed my “happy mask” to fall and met my own inner Ninetails, I developed a completely different relationship with my own anger. I’m way more comfortable expressing it now with hard boundaries and stern statements when feeling disrespected. Like I’ll try my best to be kind whenever possible but don’t f@#% with me and mistake my kindness for weakness.
I think because of the emotional volatility and constant expression of rage targeted towards me growing up, I had become extremely fearful of anger. I didn’t feel it was safe to express and also that I don’t want others to have to experience what I had experienced. So, I made sure to stuff that down as deep as I could whenever possible.
However, what I’ve learned is unexpressed emotions never really go away. They just sit there, collecting in a container, until there’s too much overflow and then those emotions come out in subtle ways. For example, excess unexpressed anger could come out as sarcasm or passive aggressiveness. It’ll always find a way to seep out in ways that we don’t expect. That and emotions are just messengers — they alert us to what’s actually happening within. We don’t have to act any such way just because we feel a certain way. But taking note of them and knowing they exist as information is already quite helpful.
I’ve always been afraid to express my anger, not knowing how far things will go and if I’d go out of control. You know those stories about people going dark, doing unthinkable things, just to black out from their own burst of rage and not remember anything afterwards? I didn’t want to be one such story lol. But, from my experience, I was in control the entire time while raging out (in a gradual and sustained manner). I didn’t go from zero to one hundred immediately. It was very intentional with how much I allowed myself to release until it reached the peak.
What I learned from my experience is that my inner rage was only looking to protect me. Thankfully the shadow class that I took was very well structured and the teachers knew what to do each step of the way. As they noticed my intensity growing, they instructed my classmates hold me back, adding 2 students at a time, totaling 6 until I wasn’t able to move anymore, while I allowed my primal rage to build up more and more. It was helpful for me to see that I was conscious the entire time and no one got hurt. Although, the student who instigated, in order to get my mask down, looked to fear for her life watching how I kept moving towards her even with so many students on me lmao. She made sure to create as much distance from me as possible lol. I hope I didn’t traumatize her. I will say that she did an amazing job at triggering me though — we were paired together at the start of class and she learned what I was dealing with that was super frustrating for me. So, she used everything I shared with her and played the part of the person I had issues with exceptionally well. A little too well. The Oscar goes to her. Bravo!
When the teachers finally stopped me because I wanted to go even further, starting to inch toward what looked like physical violence — though I was still in control — I think the instructors didn’t want to take the risk. I remember trying to launch myself out of the grips of my classmates who were holding me back by my arms. But I suppose to the instructors it looked like I was about to kick my classmates, which wasn’t my intention. I was only interested in closing the gap with the instigator. I wanted her to say those things she was verbally hurling at me close up to my face lol. Like… if you’re going to talk sh!t, do it up close and personal please. Own it. Don’t do it from across a huge room. Also, I might’ve wanted to see the fear in her eyes when confronted with my primal rage lol. So, the instructors immediately put a stop to whatever was happening.
With nowhere for my build up of rage to go, I suddenly let out this primal scream that shocked the class. Everyone fell completely silent lol. I guess my voice was the only avenue left for my anger to go. And so I screamed like I had never screamed before. I actually had a classmate come up to me afterwards and he was like, “Wow… your scream… was really something 👀” I was like thanks? lol. I’ve never really allowed myself to express my inner rage — aside from a few very distinct moments where boundaries were crossed way too far — as it never felt safe to. But in that class, I figured it was probably okay and I’m glad I allowed my mask to finally fall so that I can meet my inner protector. I was actually very happy afterwards and kept patting my solar plexus area, thanking my inner Ninetails for always being there for me and that I’ll do better about honoring its boundaries.
I remember as we closed out the course, we were all sitting in a circle and sharing one by one what was on our minds. When it was my turn, the energy of the room completely shifted and I felt it so strongly lol. I really hope I didn’t scare my classmates too much. I know it’s not every day people witness primal rage expressed so rawly. I suppose I’d be a bit on edge if I watched a tiny asian lady need 6 grown adults to keep her from ripping the face off of another person lol. It was just so eerily funny feeling the shift in energy of the class lmao.
What I think helped a ton for my integration was the safety that the class provided for me to express this shadow part of myself. Because I feel like so many of us go through life not knowing the inner strength that we actually have, which requires exploring the sides of ourselves that we are afraid of. That we are fearful of our own unknown power and what’s hidden in our shadows. But like for me, after seeing how in control I was of myself even when raging out, it helped me understand my own shadows better and to have compassion for my Self. It was a very good experience!
I’ve come to learn that whenever there’s something we are afraid of within ourselves, that we work so tirelessly to compartmentalize away and keep “under control,” the more it’s just indicating to us there’s shadow work to be done. Whatever’s there probably isn’t as bad as we make it out to be, it’s the unknown that makes it feel daunting. And often, shining a spotlight on it takes away its power and allows for potential integration if we are willing. This is how we become more whole and complete. Basically, what we are afraid of often isn’t as bad as we think. And as long as we have proper loving support, we can explore what’s there with more confidence.
Super grateful that my meditation teacher recommended the class to me and that I trusted her enough to sign up for it without asking too many questions. If I had known what the class required me to do, remove my mask completely to see what’s actually there, l don’t know if I would’ve signed up lol. It was an incredibly scary and vulnerable experience, but one that I’ve learned to be super grateful for and I wish more people will get to experience this. The way my teacher mentioned it to me sounded like it was super chill, maybe because her voice is so relaxing, but holy heck it was not lmao. My bad. It was one of the most safely triggering experiences I’ve ever had and I have zero regrets for taking the course.
P.S. Holy smokes. Out of curiosity, I reached out to my meditation teacher asking if the course is still being offered. She responded saying perfect timing, there hasn’t been one since covid and now it’s starting up again early next year. If anyone’s interested lmk and I can pass along info as I hear more lol. Or maybe I’ll just share about it as I get details for those who might be interested. WTF timing lmao.
P.P.S. Also, funny memory. The teachers commented about how they were a bit concerned that folks in the area might think they were running a madhouse with all of our screaming lol. I mean wtf do you expect when we (especially women) are socialized into not expressing our anger? When we get a chance to, in a safe environment, it’s gonna come out hella strong lol