I went through quite an intense journey the past decade that shook me to my foundational core. I don’t believe I’m ready to go into detail what happened yet as I’m still trying to piece it together myself. However, I recently came across this video that pretty much encapsulates my experience — I don’t think I can express it any better than she did. Oddly enough, I seem to have gone through every phase she mentioned, in that exact order, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing lol. While she states it’s not a linear experience, it definitely felt linear to me lmao. But I do understand what she means about going back and forth between stages. I believe I’m currently in the “Illumination” and “Union” phases described in the video. This blog is the result of the illumination phase as I’ve found purpose in sharing my insights.
Early in the new year, I’ve felt like my dark night of the soul journey was finally coming to an end or at least shifting phases as the intense heaviness I’ve felt had been steadily lifting. However, recently an incident happened that shone a giant spotlight on something in my shadows, revealing an incorrect belief that I’ve held and a way of being that was actively hurting me. What sucked about this is it was such a natural way for me to think and be, as natural as breathing, so it was difficult to see as it was in my blind spot but now it has become abundantly clear how this antiquated way of thinking is no longer serving me and is, in fact, causing more harm than good and ruining my relationships.
To give a glimpse into my thinking, I had shoved aside my own needs in order to tend to those of another. I felt they were going through a hard time and therefore I must tend to them as their needs are more important than mine. Typical low self worth thinking, I suppose, where my emotional needs have lower priority. When my cup finally emptied, I experienced a level of burnout so severe that I could no longer endure it and required radical self reflection on how I had gotten there. Through this process, I learned that neglecting my own emotional needs to tend to others’ is not the right answer and that I must first fill my own cup as much as I fill others’ otherwise I can become incredibly burnt out and resentful. I believe this is something I had learned to do through survival growing up in a household where self sacrifice was encouraged in order to maintain peace and harmony while emotional needs were never a priority. My survival technique developed during childhood had become so innately ingrained within my own way of thinking that it was just running automatically in the background. My awareness of it now can allow me to “update” it to something more helpful and healthy for my current stage of life.
Basically, I went through another dark experience that rhymed with those of the past and I was like, “Oh no… is it not over?! Is my dark night of the soul extending?!?!??!” Thankfully, by utilizing everything I’ve learned, I was able to transmute that pain into something quite useful. I found a practical way to connect with my own inner resource of safety and security, no longer needing to seek it externally, where I can generate this sanctuary myself now whenever I need. I had to think of the time when I had felt the safest, loved, and most secure and create a physical action associated with that time, which immediately brings me back to the moment. I also set strict boundaries around personal space and time. I spoke my truth and my needs firmly. Then I filled my own cup up through deep immersion in music that healed my soul. Every time a boundary was pushed, I stood my ground and didn’t budge. To my surprise, just by fighting for my own needs, I was able to refill my emotional cup back up rather quickly.
I wonder, is this what emotional alchemy is? To have the ability to transmute intense emotions into practical wisdom that can assist me instead of overwhelm me? By allowing myself to fully feel the void, facing the pain, admitting just how desperate I felt and that I needed help, and allowing the answer to emerge from within, the transmutation process was able to complete. How powerful an experience. Perhaps this is the gift of the dark night of the soul?
One day in the future, I might share more in detail of what happened once I find the right words. But for now, that video will have to do. I hope it helps give some insight into my experience.
Enjoy this “light” Monday content! You’re welcome!!!! 🤭