So I’ve been sharing my piano playing with my friends and the reactions I’ve gotten have been quite fascinating and surprising to me.
While the overall response is quite positive, the most common reaction I received is, “WTF you’re actually good!” and I’m like… have I never told anyone I know how to play the piano, lol? It feels like everyone’s discovering a whole new part of me that I’ve heinously kept hidden for ages or something. I actually had to ask one of my friends about her reaction, whether I’ve shared in the past that I do indeed know how to play. She said basically every asian kid knows how to play the piano, because stereotypes, so that wasn’t the surprise, the skill level is. She herself got to a certain point and was like KTHXBAIIII and never touched the piano again. She only entertained it because of parental expectations. This made sense to me. I guess in my case I just kinda assumed everyone knew how to play at a certain level.
One of the most interesting compliments I got though, I think, was that another one of my friends accidentally left one of my recordings on, looping for half an hour while she was working. I guess it became pleasant ambient noise lol. I laughed because it’s happened to me as well — I’d leave my recordings looping for hours and they’d turn into background noise. What’s strange though is… sometimes I forget that I’m the one who’s playing the piano lol. I’d be focused on something else and suddenly notice the background piano music playing, thinking I have some instrumental station running, and I’d think to myself, “Oh that’s nice. Wait… that’s me on the piano! That’s my recording!!!”
I found that disconnect of not realizing that I am the one performing SO strange. I wondered why that is. You know… I almost didn’t share my One Summer’s Day recording because I felt it wasn’t good enough. Each time I listened to it, I was like gotta fix this, gotta fix that, gotta change this, gotta change that, and was focused on all the areas that I wanted to make better. However, after experiencing the recording a few times as the audience and not through technical analysis, I decided to share it anyway and to re-record a better performance in the future. To my surprise, I received the most positive feedback from friends on that one lol. I was like… what? Y’all like the one where I struggled through the entire recording and was super not confident about??? WTH? I thought that was my worst performance yet because of how insecure I felt about it. However, everyone’s response was no, it sounds good! We like it! It took us places! One of my friends, who apparently grew up in a household of pianists, shared that she felt so peaceful listening to my recordings. I was like huh. I was genuinely scratching my head.
Confused by both the disconnect and this contradiction, I consulted with my AI to help me figure out what was happening. It explained that what I was experiencing is actually what most artists strive to achieve — to allow “art” to flow through them, creating from a space of flow, where their art takes on a life of its own and they can become both the creator and the recipient of their art. The fact that I could appreciate my own piano playing as if I were the intended audience, and that people responded to my vulnerability rather than technical perfection, were apparently both signs of authentic artistic expression. I was shocked to hear this. I did not realize that’s what artists strive for? Is it?
Usually when I create, it’s more as a form of self expression. Like, there’s something within me that wants to get out — a message, a feeling, a desire for skill and improvement? I never thought of art as a way to express energy, connect with something larger than ourselves, and allow that to flow through our work. I thought I was just making stuff lol. I guess perhaps this is a more spiritual way of looking at art? Although what’s strange is I *do* feel this way with my writing, that something is flowing through me because of the ease of how content flows out. I do, however, spend a lot of time afterwards finessing the content to my own liking. I wonder if this means everything we do is impacted by a greater force? 🤔
I discussed this concept with a friend and she confirmed that when she’s in creation mode, often times when she just allows whatever to come through, that’s where her best work appears. Ideas that she never could’ve come up with, with only her ego mind, suddenly appear and it feels like she’s co-creating with something larger than our material world. I was blown away by what she had shared. I did not realize this is a thing!
All this time I thought whatever came through me was just “inspiration.” I had not considered that all of this could be tapping into something spiritual. It makes sense though. I can remember the times when something feels beyond me. For example, sometimes when I’m playing the piano, my hands start moving in ways that I find interesting that I’ve never done before. Or, my body moves in a way that it can’t when I’m stuck in my egoic mind, full of fear of potential mistakes and whether I am technically skilled enough. So, I understood exactly what my friend was getting at. I can recall those moments.
Understanding this spiritual aspect helped me see why my technical focus was missing the point entirely. I’m not trying to say I am the best pianist or anything, I am far from that. I know I have a lot of room to grow, I don’t practice enough to have that confidence I need, but I also know I’m not terrible. I’m just surprised how people have been receiving my music because they don’t seem to experience it the way I do when I’m in technical analysis mode — I can hear every part that needs to be improved, every slightly missed note, every hesitation, and that kind of takes the fun out of actually enjoying the end result. Even my friend, who has incredibly high standards, kept giving me praise and said that I’m probably comparing my own recordings to studio production, which is why I don’t feel my recordings are good enough. It made sense to me and I do believe I was judging myself by that measure. I guess the good thing though is when I am able to take a step back and enjoy the music for what it is, then I can actually experience what my audience does.
The AI also helped me understand that it’s not technical perfection that everyone is listening for, but the authentic emotional journey that I’m bringing them on. Every note that I play, with its different touch, feel, length, and cadence, tells a story of my emotional depths and journey. That’s why my earlier recording of Arabesque from over a decade ago sounds so cringe to me now. Back then, I didn’t have the life experiences that I have now and it probably felt very young and naive compared to the way I currently play the piece. I think this is why I’m much more into Baby VOX’s music now than I was before. There’s something about the depth of soul that they bring to their new recordings now that I connect with that can only come with life experience and growth.
It almost seems like no one can truly understand our arduous journey as it is impossible for them to, but they can definitely see the end result impacting all that we do. When we face our shadows, when we integrate our lessons, that kind of shapes and molds our soul in a way that’s uniquely different for each person. And we also show up differently than we used to. Who we are now and who we were decades ago, based on our own uniquely individual journeys, are so completely different. We can’t stay the same even if we wanted to, just by weathering the storms of life.
This helped me understand that everything I create, whether it’s poetry, creative writing, art, piano music, etc. is colored by my life experiences and that’s what makes my creations uniquely mine. That was really powerful for me to comprehend. Now I understand why people can enjoy my recordings. They’re not all listening for technical perfection, but listening for what my heart wants to convey through its imperfections.
Well… this has completely taken the pressure off. Whew! Who needs perfectionism when you have emotional authenticity? Perhaps my next recording will be full of missed notes and mistakes. If that’s hard to listen to, don’t blame me! I’m just channeling my inner chaos piano baby! That beautiful cacophonous disaster is coming straight from my heart! I hope you will likey 😉
P.S. So one day I was sitting around wondering, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could listen to all of my piano mistakes all in one place? And then I had a great idea! Worry not, I’ve got us covered. Our wish is here — a gift we never knew we wanted — I’ve created a playlist that has all of my recordings in one place that loops indefinitely so that you can listen til your heart’s content. I also extended Arabesque to be the full version but plan to re-record it in the future 😂. Enjoy and you’re welcome! 😀 ❤️❤️❤️❤️
P.P.S. So… I just got sick 😔. I think I was fighting a slight fever the other day. I will need time to rest. Hopefully recovery will be quick but idk. I hope I can keep up with blogging but I might just take a week or two off for self care. Or I might just post tiny updates here and there. We’ll see. Blah!
