Hmmm I think I should share a bit about what I’ve been going through lately.
I mentioned in a previous post that during the Baby VOX: New Breath reunion concert, I felt like a burden and didn’t want to take up space, which prevented me from connecting with others the way that I wanted to. It was after choosing to actually take up space that I got to experience that profound moment with Eun Hye, at least on my end I’m unsure about hers. Anyway, I think I’ve been working through those feelings ever since and it’s been a bit difficult to resolve, perhaps because I’m so blind to it as my self protective mechanisms were created when I was so young.
So, after the concert, I’ve been meaning to send Eun Hye a message over social media to thank her for being such a powerful mirror to help reflect back my personal growth to me, but I kept talking myself out of it. I kept saying to myself she’s busy, I shouldn’t bother her, she probably gets tons of fan mail and doesn’t need to read mine, she probably doesn’t even remember me given how many people she interacts with, she probably doesn’t care, what can I actually contribute to her, I’m too deluluwuwu, blah blah blah. I kept catching myself trying to play it small and not be vulnerable, and wavering back and forth whether I should send a message.
It didn’t help when I mentioned that I wanted to send her a message to those around me, the feedback I got was that it might be creepy, and that scared me as well because I really didn’t want to creep her out. I was working through conflicting feelings for the past few weeks and the other day, I finally mustered up enough courage to send her a short message expressing my deepest gratitude. I didn’t demand anything back. I didn’t need her to respond either. I just wanted to share that I had a profound moment with her as a powerful mirror of my own personal growth, and was super grateful for it. I was so relieved to have finally sent off the message because the constant wavering was really stressing me out.
As I shared this with one of my friends — that I had finally sent the message but was legit terrified every step of the way — my friend wondered why expressing positivity and love would be such a struggle for me when normally it’s not. They asked me why did this bring up so much fear and uncertainty? I wasn’t sure. We kept digging deeper and eventually I discovered that my feeling of being a burden was another layer of codependency. When I traced it back to the person whose voice it belonged to, I was appalled. I told my friend, “I can’t believe all of this self-critical programming connects back to that one person.” They asked how I felt about it and I responded, “Kinda annoyed and angry.”
Everything kept pointing to the same relationship — the original codependent one. Because this person was so emotionally volatile and dysregulated, and I couldn’t get help when I asked for it, my child brain must’ve decided to accept the harsh, unloving words constantly directed at me. With words of affirmation being one of my major love languages, those harsh words cut especially deep.
As a powerless child, I must’ve accepted their twisted reality of fear and lack, hoping I could avoid being their emotional punching bag if I just agreed. I never felt safe around them — I had to make myself as small as possible, dim my light to avoid triggering their jealousy and the tongue lashings that would inevitably follow. I developed a fawning response. I figured if I just push my own needs aside to tend to theirs, as long as they’re happy then I will be safe. Without any emotional support, I learned to handle my own emotions alone. Hence my tendency to isolate whenever I feel difficult emotions.
The further we dug, the more I saw how I’d developed these maladaptive self-protective mechanisms through that one dysfunctional relationship. There was cognitive dissonance that I needed for survival. I was intrigued by these findings but also very annoyed. Kinda like, not this again — all this negativity always leads back to them. I suppose it’s the frustration of realizing I’m in the healing spiral and it’s looped back again. But thankfully, this time with slightly more awareness and knowledge.
My friend asked me how I felt about that connection. I thought about it for a moment and then responded with, “As much as I dislike having all of this connect to the same person, I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that experience. And so it’s kind of a bittersweet type of situation.” Did I want to be emotionally abused? No. But it taught me so much about who I wanted to be as a person and how I want to show up in the world. Basically not like them lol. I really didn’t know what to think. However, I was definitely relieved to finally realize the origins of this self-critical voice, that it isn’t mine, which means I can release it.
I asked my friend, “Okay, so now that I am aware of all of these connections and how they lead back to this one person, what can I do about it?” My friend responded that I did a lot of work just now, being and staying aware of them is good enough, and catching myself as this voice keeps coming up to not give it any more power. I agreed with their advice. I then made a joke and asked my friend, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we can just ‘return to sender’? Cuz these fears aren’t mine, I’ve inherited them from another. It would be great to give them back.” My friend laughed and said indeed that would be nice.
Right as I finished that thought, a vision appeared. In the vision, my right hand crossed over my chest to the middle left side of my body with the palm planted on top of my heart area. My hand then slowly pulled away from my chest, revealing a pastel green semi-translucent object that was contoured to the shape of my hand, which came out of my energetic body along with my hand. Then, my hand turned outwards and stuck that object into the energetic body of the person who I wanted to return those fears and beliefs to. All of a sudden, I felt this “burden” and the fog of fatigue I was dealing with completely lift from my body. I started feeling so energetic again and light! My eyes also sharpened and it was like I was able to see clearly again.
I was so intrigued and immediately shared what happened with my friend. My friend happens to be experienced in energy work and so they were super excited to hear what I had to share. It appears that I had removed something that was lodged deeply within my energetic body, which then helped bring me relief. I was pretty excited about it! I ended up spending the next day yanking out anything that didn’t belong to me and ‘returned to sender’ lol. It was so much fun going like, “Oh this shit? This ain’t mine. Here, you can have it back!” and then planting it back into the other person’s energetic body lmaooo. It was so AWESOME! But then I got tired again because I think this type of energetic work requires a lot of energy lol. So I’ve been needing a lot of rest.
I also shared this experience with another friend of mine and they mentioned that I should pace myself and that I’ll probably have more things to remove, as healing is a spiral, which I knew. But I told them that I am just super grateful I now have this technique that I can use to keep removing that which does not belong to me. Hopefully, that’ll be good enough for now until I need to learn the next thing.
So this also had me wondering… how did that vision come to me? How did I immediately come up with that solution? I think perhaps maybe I must’ve studied energy work intensely in a previous life. Maybe my higher self wanted to teach it to me. Or perhaps I am connected to something larger and that information was passed onto me. I’m not entirely sure. But I just know it makes no sense for me to have come up with that myself as I have not quite studied energy work before and that technique seemed relatively advanced. Regardless of where it came from, I’m just grateful to have this new tool. Pretty cool, right?!
I’ve actually been sick with different things the past 2ish months. I mentioned I had gotten sick before the concert due to some dietary mistakes that had created an imbalance in my body. So, I was in recovery mode and dealing with a lot of fatigue during that trip. I spent almost a week in South Korea and was mostly bedridden except when I needed to attend the concerts.
Thank goodness for room service though. Look at this breakfast! They called it a “traditional Korean breakfast” and I was like who TF eats all this feast in the morning!? It was so freaking delicious though, I kept ordering it every day lol. OMG so good.
Also, I had to do a double take on this storefront. Thankfully I was able to capture a photo in time before the cab had to take off:
Did you know that South Korea has very romantic kitty cats? Huh, I had no idea! This was news to me.
I then spent a few more weeks in Japan afterwards, still recovering from the fatigue. But as I recovered from one thing, another thing would happen. I even fell and pulled a muscle that needed a few days to recover. And then towards the tail end of the trip, I caught the worst cold ever. My body healed through each thing relatively quickly, but boy was I bedridden most of the trip lmao.
What’s odd though is as excited as my mind was for being in East Asia, which I had been really looking forward to, I could tell my body was not happy at all. I sensed my body wanted to be home in the states, where my mind didn’t want to be lol. I think because I might’ve been too far from my strongest energetic connection, and also because I was recovering from being sick, that my body was incredibly strained and pushed to its limits. But also, I made some unwise choices along the way.
Again, I felt like a burden because I wasn’t of much help during the trip with so little energy, also being bedridden most of the time, where I felt bad that I might’ve been ruining the trip for others. I kept trying to push myself to go out and do more things, even when I knew it wasn’t a good idea as my body really needed adequate time to recover, and I kept getting hurt or sick again. When I caught that bad cold, I think it became abundantly clear to everyone that I could not go out anymore lol. My body literally forced me to rest.
I think under normal circumstances I would’ve had better boundaries around this but because I was on vacation, it just felt like such a waste to be stuck at the hotel the entire time, and that’s why I kept pushing myself to go out. But what I had learned is nope, if I need rest I need rest regardless of whatever is happening. When I returned home to the states, my mind wasn’t happy but my body sang out in relief. I think my body really wanted to be closer to home.
I know this all sounds like I had a terrible vacation, but don’t worry, I actually had a great time aside from the symptoms. I had quite a few profound and memorable experiences that helped me realize this trip was perfectly imperfect, delivering exactly what it is that I needed.
The accommodations were amazing, rooms were great, views were great, room service was exceptional. I was like… actually… this isn’t a bad way to recover from an intense purge. Not needing to cook for myself, enjoying the beautiful views, and to be able to eat delicious and hearty foods anytime I want — it was amazing! lol.
Best rest I’ve had in YEARS was at this hotel by the sea. I slept like a freaking baby and had such deep sleep. I’m definitely planning to go back again if I’m in that area in the future. Look at the pretty view:
This little area, I think maybe for shopping, was so cute! Would love to check it out in the future:
Also got a free upgrade into this sweet sweet room that gave me a lovely and relaxing view for a week. I laid in bed looking outside and it was so incredibly peaceful and beautiful:
Not too shabby right? I was like, you know, I wouldn’t mind living here. I mean look at these views! Zero complaints lol.
When I wasn’t asleep, I’d constantly just stare out the window, soak in all of the beauty, and feel so grateful to be recovering in such an environment. While I enjoyed the sunlight, my favorite time was always the nighttime views when the city lit up. It felt so romantic! Reminded me of what I used to love about the city.
As awful as my experience sounded by being so sickly the whole time, I think all the other stuff made up for it. My interpretation of what happened is that I needed to be in such a vulnerable state for something deeply buried to emerge and heal. And the Universe made sure I was supported all along the way. I could NOT have asked for better accommodations all around as I went through that ordeal. That was incredible. I felt like I was being rewarded in small ways for doing the difficult work.
When I discussed with a friend why I had to get so sick, it sounded like my body was ready for a major purge after going through huge energetic expansions earlier this year. While I understood it conceptually, I didn’t understand the why until now. I believe that the layer of feeling like a burden is lodged so deeply within me that it required me to be in such a physically vulnerable state to emerge. As long as I am strong and healthy, my natural self defense systems will keep all of that at bay and under control. I’m at the point in my journey where any lies and incorrect/antiquated beliefs have to go as they’re not aligned with authentic truth. And so, I really think this was the only way to be able to access and to yank that stuff out of me, if that makes any sense. I basically spent the past month or two sitting with the feeling of being a burden, then discovering the root of where those self-critical and diminishing thoughts come from, just so that I can get to the vision, learn the technique, and then remove the untruths from where they don’t belong.
Anyway, wild stuff right? Hopefully I’ve gotten majority of the untruths (others’ fears and limitations) out of me. And anything else that comes up I can continue to remove with this new technique I’ve been given. I’ve come to learn that a great indicator of what isn’t true is when I feel intense illogical or irrational fear, and I suppose where I’d want to come from is a place of unconditional love and peace. Basically, Love IS truth. And so with this in mind, I’m going to keep working with whatever fears come up and doing my best to remove them from my energetic body. Let’s see how it goes!
Chaos baby, OUT!
P.S. Wanna know something funny? I opened my instagram and saw that an old mentor of mine, whom I respect dearly, had posted photos of their vacation. I stared at one particular building in a photo for some time and wondered why it looked so familiar. I DMed them asking if they were at the specific hotel that I had stayed at in Japan recently and they responded with yes. I guess because I stared at that particular building for a week straight, when I was recovering from my cold, I was able to recognize it in their photo lmao. What are the odds. Synchronicities galore! 💫