I have a somewhat bittersweet memory that suddenly came to mind the other day regarding an accusation that was made of me in my early days of high school. This one still hits a little hard for me and was incredibly difficult to write, I did get super emotional while writing this post, but I think it’s because it connects with a core wound of mine — one of those deep emotional injuries from childhood that shapes how we react to similar situations later in life.
I remember having a discussion with my beloved writing teacher over a weekend, whom I had been learning from for around 3-4 years already, about a situation that had transpired during the week in my public school English class. Earlier that week, my public school English teacher had given quite an accusatory speech about “cheating” and using terms or concepts in our essays that were not introduced yet in class. While I don’t remember their exact words, I did feel they were targeting their speech at me out of the entire class as they looked directly at me most of the time. There were definitely some death stares. I did not feel anything positive from receiving their glares. When I received my essay back from them, I noticed they wrote some comments (e.g. questioning the source of my knowledge) that kind of justified their speech. I didn’t know what to say at the time or how to process what had happened, all I know is I felt very hurt by the accusation.
What didn’t help is that I noticed my ex-best friend, whom I had a terrible falling out with years prior to that moment, was very close with this English teacher and so part of me felt maybe something fishy was going on as well. I felt their closeness might’ve influenced how the teacher felt about me. I do not know for sure but my hunch told me that alliances had been made and there wasn’t a point to explain. In hindsight, I could’ve been totally wrong and probably should’ve said something instead of suffering silently but it is what it is. My lack of awareness around my own core wounds at that time prevented communication.
I also wasn’t sure what to do because I had been getting extra tutoring outside of my public schooling from my weekend class writing teacher, who had actually helped me with this specific essay. She had taught me extra terminology and knowledge that I wasn’t supposed to know yet according to my public school curriculum, which I then incorporated into my essay. I wasn’t completely clear on whether this was considered cheating. If so, was I not supposed to learn outside of class or seek additional help to improve my writing?
I brought this incident up in class over the weekend with my beloved writing teacher and we went over what happened. She asked what caused the issue. I said, “I think my teacher was upset that I used the term ‘coming of age’ in my essay and we had not learned that yet in their class.” My teacher then asked, “Do you know what it means?” I said, “Yes.” She asked me to explain. I don’t remember exactly what I said to her but it was along the lines of a passage of growth and maturity for a character in a story. My writing teacher accepted my response and then asked, “Did you explain this to your teacher and share that you have extra tutoring outside of their class?” I responded, “No.” She asked, “Why not?” I said, “I don’t know” as I slumped into my chair. I had pretty much shut down at that point and was clearly unhappy. The conversation kind of ended there and we continued on with the lesson of the Saturday class. I never did mention anything to my public school English teacher about it and kind of just felt bitter about the situation.
As this incident recently resurfaced, I started wondering why I didn’t say anything at the time and a couple of things came to mind.
When I was a small child, I experienced a similar situation where I was unjustly accused of doing something I didn’t do and was *severely* punished for it. I tried to stand up for myself and was punished even harder. The story that I made up in my mind about that situation is people who are supposed to protect us and take care of us (e.g. authority figures) are not to be trusted and that it’s not safe to stand up for ourselves even if we’re right. People can enact punishment due to their own lack of understanding and knowledge. It is futile to explain when they lack the capacity and/or willingness to understand anyway. I believe the incident at school rhymed with this core wound and childhood belief of mine. I didn’t see a point in explaining myself when the authority figure jumped to conclusions and immediately assumed I was doing something wrong.
My coping mechanism when I was younger for feeling misunderstood, accused, or unheard is to completely shutdown, not say anything, and suffer in silence to avoid unwarranted and unjust punishment. Thankfully, these days, I at least try to reach out to figure out if there is a possibility of communication first before moving on while trying my best not to jump to conclusions.
Then another rather helpful realization came to mind. My beloved writing teacher demonstrated to me what the healthy version of resolving misunderstanding should look like — staying open minded, gaining knowledge, and working towards finding mutual understanding. She asked me questions, she inquired about my thinking, she got to the bottom of whether I actually knew what I was writing about, and she filled that knowledge gap for herself without picking a side or being accusatory. Having this direct contrast between both teachers’ methods of dealing with lack of understanding was eye opening. In hindsight, my writing teacher is a gift that keeps on giving as the lessons I had learned from her continue to unfold on all different levels, not just through writing but also life in general.
What shocked me the most was my public school teacher’s belief that just because we didn’t learn something from their class, it means we shouldn’t have knowledge about it. That had me ponder a lot about how is it possible for people to think in such a way? Is it hubris? I usually assume people know more than I do, as there’s always something to learn from everyone, even children! My beloved nephews introduced me to the word “skibidi,” whatever that means! I’ve asked them for the definition but they won’t tell me! I await the day when they’ll finally share the meaning of that word with me. But perhaps because this teacher was in a position of authority that they felt they must know more? This situation continues to puzzle me.
What I realized from reflecting on this situation is that perhaps my own thinking needs updating. People, especially those of authority, might not always know everything nor have the proper communication tools to express that and perhaps there are ways to bridge the gap of understanding by creating a safe space to engage in thoughtful dialogue to help everyone get on the same page. I think back on the times when I accused others of things due to my limited understanding of a situation. I think back on the times when I had been accused of things due to others’ limited understanding of a situation. And the only thing I can think of on how to bridge the gap is to have compassion for everyone’s blind spots, including my own, and to somehow create some form of mutual understanding. This requires both parties to be open minded enough to hear the other person out though so there’s that. If both parties aren’t ready, communication can be fraught as timing and receptivity are both vital to the success of mutual understanding.
I’ve also had to find compassion for the inner child within me who felt so hurt by the betrayal of trust by authority figures. I remember going back to that moment in my childhood memories and giving my younger self a giant safe, loving, and protective hug, wiping her tears away, holding her tiny body in my arms, and explaining that adults don’t always know how to best approach situations and that it’s okay to feel hurt by this. But just remember that their lack of openness and understanding doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished. People will make mistakes, as will you, and it’s not because they don’t love or care about you, they’re just on their own growth paths — they’re still learning. You will be able to protect yourself in the future and learn the tools you need to navigate these situations better. You will eventually learn forgiveness as that will be a very important lesson in your life.
I also had to find compassion for my public school English teacher for not knowing a better way to find resolution of their knowledge gap. I’d like to think that if they had known better, they would’ve addressed the situation differently just like I would’ve in my own assumptions of others. I don’t blame them for having jumped to conclusions, as that’s a very human thing to do, I just wish that they’ll learn eventually how to be more open minded about situations like this to prevent similar situations from happening with others.
The most ironic part of this story is that through my teacher’s misunderstanding of where I gained my knowledge from, I experienced my own ‘coming of age’ experience lol 🤣
While that situation with my public school English teacher was not ideal, I do very much appreciate even more so now than ever the absolute grace and dignity that my beloved writing teacher, Rosemary Martino, had demonstrated to me time and time again. What a contrast. I have so much love for her. I hope she knows that. #RESPECT
Thank you for joining me on this journey as I process this resurfaced memory. It’s been a rather healing and cathartic experience for me. I do feel much better and lighter now. What a wild ride! 🥰
Before you go, here’s a song I have dedicated to my inner child that you can listen to 🥲
P.S. I’m just glad that when I held my young child self, it did not look anything like this. My young child self is CUTE! JUST SAYIN.