When the Floor Is Made of Toothpicks: My Journey Through the Dark Forest and Phoenix Rising

I actually did not think I’d be able to write about this given how intense and raw my experience was, but somehow these words flowed out. It was a bit of a challenge balancing the intensity of what I had gone through and translating it in a way that… doesn’t traumatize others? lol. But I felt compelled to write about it as people have expressed curiosity regarding my disappearance, which I’ve never quite had the words to explain, and I figured now’s a good time than ever to sort out those memories and to share. I figured perhaps it can help me gain more clarity as to what happened and why, possibly creating more healing around this experience as well. I’m going to scratch the surface with this post though as there’s just too much to cover and dive deep into. If you do feel the need, please take breaks as you go ❤️

Let me first ease you in with this song to pair with your reading if you’d so choose to listen:

Here we go!

After I quit my job, and basically cut everyone out of my life (I know, quite the dramatic move lol, it’s the Leo within me 🤭), I went through a period of intense darkness and heaviness. Upon some revelations imparted onto me, I had become completely disillusioned with life itself. It felt like I had the rug pulled out from underneath my feet only to discover that there were giant gaping holes all over the place and the only thing holding up the floor is a bunch of half rotting toothpicks.

It had been a dream of mine since I was a young teenager, while first encountering the internet, to become a professional web designer / developer. I thought it was soooo cool creating websites that can share whatever I wanted! I remember my first geocities website where I put all of my favorite pics from my Dragonball Z photo collection. What an amazing form of expression for me to share my innermost world with others in a fun and global way. After I quit my job, due to how disillusioned I had become, I made a conscious choice to axe that dream. No longer having the sense of security and stability from the lifelong identity that I had once built for myself, I felt completely lost and miserable. I externalized a lot of my disillusionment by blaming others, stewing in righteous anger, and constantly complaining. I was slowly shifting into someone I did not want to become. It felt like I was sinking into a hole, further and further, which I wasn’t even aware of. This went on for quite some time until I was completely submerged in darkness. Like a fish swimming in water not realizing the water had been poisoned by my own doing. My mind was slowly rotting away in negativity and victimhood. Major props to my partner for enduring that time with me because upon reflection I don’t know if even I would’ve wanted to deal with that version of me lol. So stinky 😔

I remember one day waking up and walking straight to the bathroom. I looked up at the mirror and to my surprise, I did NOT recognize the face staring back at me. I remember thinking, “Who… are you?” And then an eerie but random thought crept up soonafter saying, “If it’s so bad, why not just end it?”

This was the moment I froze in shock, eyes widened. First, who the heck was staring back at me in the mirror? It was not me, or not the me I knew myself to be. Second, whose voice was that? I don’t recognize it. Never in my life have I thought such things like that. What I’ve always known about myself is that I have a relatively positive predisposition on life so thoughts like these were completely out of the ordinary. If it weren’t for my mother’s influence regarding resilience and survivability, idk what I would’ve done in that moment. Scary AF right?

With chills creeping down my spine I realized this was a wake up call. I became aware that I was *not* in a good place mentally or psychologically and I desperately needed to make a radical change in my life. My partner shared some compassionate but direct words with me that I didn’t want but needed to hear regarding who I was becoming and I decided at that moment to make a drastic change.

I started seriously meditating again, making self care a priority. I started becoming curious about who I am and how I was evolving. I became much more intentional about which thoughts I chose to feed. I listened to a LOT of Jordan Peterson Youtube videos about “cleaning your room,” facing our darkness, the evils that exist in the world, and becoming better versions of ourselves. I studied soooo many videos about manipulation, narcissism, power and control dynamics, in order to learn how to spot them sooner as those were major blind spots of mine. I picked up some old hobbies again to see what was still of interest to me. It was difficult because I think I was also dealing with deep depression at the same time, so things that used to interest me no longer did.

The best way I can describe this phase of my life is feeling like I was trapped inside a dark forest and desperately trying to find my way out towards the light. Whenever I would get close to finding an exit, a slew of shadow arms would reach out from behind and quickly drag me right back in. This process repeated for quite some time. Each time I thought I had made meaningful progress, I was immediately yanked right TF back in. It was like, “Nope. We ain’t done with you yet!” It was grueling to say the least.

When I finally made it out of the dark forest and was able to stay out for longer periods of time before being yanked back in again, I really had to consider the choices I had made that kept me in such a darkened state. How did I let things get so bad that the situation I found myself in felt inescapable? Was it my constant feeding of my negative thoughts that kept me trapped in a victim mindset? My guess is yes. Each thought I had, each action I took, which fed my negativity and unhelpful story of what had happened to me, further reinforced my victim story, which then started to become my new identity. Ew, stinky. Smells worse than NYC open sewage. Yucky! Much to ponder. The silver lining though is I discovered that the damage done was not permanent, I was still able to reverse course, I still had personal agency and power.

I found myself staring at the holey floor with the half rotting toothpicks and made the conscious decision to keep the few important things that still were valuable, essential to my Being that I wanted to bring forth with me, and to just demolish the rest of it. Then brick by brick, layer by layer, half dead from fighting depression and the grappling arms of the dark forest, I rebuilt my entire foundation with things that I knew were meaningful and important to me, including the new things that I had learned, while staying aligned with reality and authenticity. This time, with more perspective, maturity, and wisdom than I had when I was a child.

This part of my life still brings tears to my eyes when I reflect back on it. The feelings of deep loss and intense despair are just so damn heavy. The loss of idealism, naivete, trust, childhood dreams, and identity. However, like a phoenix, I understood the symbolic meaning of needing to allow my Egoic Self to die before I can become reborn anew, which means I needed to let the thoughts and ideas of myself, unhelpful beliefs of how the world works, the ways of thinking and being that do not align with the highest version of myself and reality, to just simply die and make room for what’s new, authentic, and better. 

It feels strange holding such sadness for that time in my life along with fondness of how far I have come. The two emotions don’t seem to really go together. It feels so confusing to me. I remember telling my best friend over a phone call, in tears, that I think the happy go lucky child part of me is gone forever and I had to mourn that fact. What a dark moment that was. The grief I felt was intense. I used to love that child who was usually able to see the best in most situations, even ones it should not have. Thankfully though, I’ve now discovered that, while that naive child might be gone, that wondrous child has been reborn anew and is alive and well within me! Still starry sparkly eyed but wiser and, I hope, more discerning! Pika Pika! (o^_^o)

While I am quite pleased and satisfied with the results of my journey, my willingness to face my shadows, my motivation to fight for my Self, and the gifts that this particular grueling time of my life had brought, I have zero desire to revisit that forest of darkness. In fact, I’m boarding that place up and placing a giant KEEP OUT sign on it. Pikachu don’t like. No. I have later discovered that shadow work doesn’t need to happen in a dark forest where I feel like I am being chased and that everything is out of my control, but that I can create my own “shadow gym” and approach it intentionally, creating safety parameters and boundaries around how they’re faced where it’s more within my control. I guess similar to the environment where I had first met my inner Nine-tails in the class I took with my meditation teacher where I felt safe enough to let down my walls and allow the primal rage within to come out, knowing that it could be fully controlled if it ever went out of hand. Maybe I can share more about this experience another time. It was kind of raw so I’m not sure if I’d want to. But if there’s enough interest I might. We’ll see.

Anyway, even with all I’ve learned about conscious shadow work, I still find myself reflecting on that original dark period. Sometimes I wonder what was the point of that deep depression and how did I manage to get myself out of it?

My current understanding about the point of my deep depression is that it was a messenger of sorts. Though at the time, it certainly didn’t feel like a spiritual lesson — it felt like hell. But looking back with the wisdom I’ve gained, I believe it was reminding me that I had strayed way too far from my Light and what’s authentic. When there’s an absence of light, darkness naturally takes over. And so I believe that I had fed into my darkness too much with my thoughts and actions where it had created an intense imbalance. In that darkness were parts of me that were hidden, my shadows, and when I was finally willing to face, understand, and transmute them, I created more space for Light to come back in. The more shadows I faced, the more false notions I had shed, the more Light was able to naturally take over again, the more I started radiating my own light. The less hatred I harbored, the more it gave way to the unconditional Love that I am. An aside, I truly believe that we all ARE unconditional Love, only it’s often blocked by our unprocessed shadows. I’ll go deeper into this topic in a later post.

Regarding how I got myself out of it, aside from confronting and befriending my shadows, maintaining resilience, I’m not entirely sure. Even though I did eventually manage to get myself out of that forest, there was always a mildly pervasive layer of depression linking me back to it, reminding me of what’s awaiting me inside of there. I think I just learned to live with it at some point. I believe where the depression lifted completely was when I reconnected with my creative wellspring one day. If my hunch is correct, it seemed to have to do with the re-emergence of a connection I thought was forever lost. I’m still discovering more about this process and maybe I will have a better answer in the future as I gain more distance from this experience but for now this will have to do.

I think my point in sharing my story is to let others know that no matter how bleak things seem to be, no matter how futile things might be, please don’t lose hope, just keep fighting for yourself no matter what. You are worth it. The experiences that seem insurmountable are just Saturn’s way of helping us grow into who we need to become. The dark forest is our crucible — finding the courage to face the lessons that our shadows bring can potentially bring tremendous change that your future self will thank you for. It can help build resilience, grit, and tenacity. While it’s sometimes necessary to completely rebuild, just remember to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. That said, everyone’s journey is different so what worked for me might not work for you. Just keep that in mind, YMMV.

While this might not feel like scratching the surface, it truly is. I’ve left out a lot of the details and depths of this experience, condensing as much as I can, sharing metaphorically. Some things are just too personal or complex to fully translate into words, or perhaps not yet ready to be shared. At a later time I can go deeper while diving into certain topics. For today’s post, this is all I feel comfortable sharing.

But before I close, as I reflect on this journey from darkness to light, my heart is full of gratitude for those who helped make this rebirth possible.

To my partner, I deeply and truly thank you for your undying unconditional love and commitment. I thank you for saying the words I needed to hear even if I didn’t want to hear them, helping wake me up. Thank you for nursing and nurturing me back to health. Thank you for loving me at my worst. I do not believe I could have gotten through this ordeal without your love and care.

To my parents, thank you for being patient and giving me the space to find my Self again. I know it was heavy on your hearts watching me feel so lost and depressed for an indefinite period of time. I’m sure it had caused you immeasurable concern. Thank you for trusting me to find my own way without interfering. Thank you for having the courage to work with me towards healing generational trauma. While it’s still a work in progress, your willingness to engage with me on this topic means the world to me.

To my best friend, thank you for fighting with me side by side on parallel journeys. It made a world of difference for me knowing that I wasn’t alone on this harrowing journey. Your resilience and empathy for those who had caused harm inspired me to find my own.

To the medic of my once fractured heart and soul, thank you for shining your golden beams for me to find my way home and for your healing touch at all the right moments. Now that I have built my own lighthouse beside yours, I can help guide others with my own golden beams as well.

To my Gemini Goddess, thank you for reminding me of what’s true and authentic, helping remind me of the crowned divine Beings we are so that I can step fully into my own power, radiating cosmic love. You’ve awakened me to my own self worth and I truly and sincerely hope that I have been able to do the same for you. May everything flow in its own sacred timing.

To those who had held me in their thoughts and hearts through the years, thank you for continuing to think of me even through my absence. Trust that I’ve felt your warm thoughts, well wishes, and that they did indeed help light my way back to my Self. Your thoughts mattered, they mattered a lot.

To my readers, thank you for following along on this journey and being interested in what I have to share. There’s definitely more to come! 😊

And to those who played the challenging roles in my story, thank you for helping create the conditions I needed to grow. In divine timing, you helped me learn lessons I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise and guided me to exactly where I needed to be. In hindsight, your part in my journey has truly been a gift. I now love you from a cosmically faraway place, dare I say another galaxy, of understanding and healthy boundaries.

Hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend. I LOVE you all!!! 🥰❤️