Dear Universe,
It’s been awhile. I’m still here. I know you’re listening. Just doing it like a ninja and all I can do is catch glimpses of your magic.
I could be wrong, but I believe you might’ve been sending me “downloads” of sorts, particularly a vision of what my twin flame might look like now. And so I was wondering… are you also planning to send them visions of current me as well? If so, may I make some requests before you do?
Idk if you’ve heard of photoshop but it’s this really cool app where you can tweak things. Maybe you can work your magic here, with tweaks, before you send over the visions of me — apply some “divine” photoshopping?
First, I had gotten pretty sick recently, back to back, almost like I had to go through a mental, physical, and spiritual purge, so my joocy booty might not be as joocy anymore. Feel free to plump it back up! Also, I might be missing a few extra tiddies now. Feel free to use the clone tool and make some more. I want to look like a cluster of fresh and in-season crunchy grapes. You know, the ones that pop in your mouth as you bite into them, bursting with flavor and jooce. The more the merrier! I want to look like I belong on the headdress of the Chiquita Banana lady.
Second, I know I’m a bit feral now, sometimes looking like I’ve just crawled out from under a rock, and might look a bit cave dweller-ish. While I’m generally okay looking this way, with hair that looks like it has a life of its own, I’m aware public opinion begs to differ. So, I’m totally okay if you want to dress me up to look more civilized, less mid 19th century forest witchy. I won’t mind it at all.
Third, I might’ve grown a few white hairs from my decade long dark night of the soul. I didn’t want to remove them because they remind me of what I had overcome, kind of like war scars, badges of honor. But, if they’re not congruent with the overall image you’re going for, please feel free to change their colors! I’m okay with that.
Fourth, my unibrow is a stylish statement okay?! And I Am Proud Of It! But… perhaps not everyone agrees. Feel free to photoshop that part out if that’s what looks better. I trust you know what’s best. I want to be clear though — I still want chonky ass eyebrows. Almost like I have two abundantly fed caterpillars up there but with respectable boundaries and space. I don’t want them touching each other at all. That’s much too raunchy for my face — I can’t have people losing all of their minds when looking at my facerpillars, so that space will be incredibly important to have. Non negotiable! I also want my eyebrows to display my vibrant life force! Make them extra large if you’d dare!! The larger the better!!! Maybe not covering half of my face large but large enough to make a statement that these eyebrows have a life of their own.
And fifth, last but not least, my facial hair. I know it’s physically difficult to show wisdom but I think it’s doable! I’m totally okay if you want to add a long and aged Asian beard to my face that I can stroke. I want it long enough where I can have a satisfying full-length arm stroke but don’t have to exert my arms because who has time for that anyway? 3 feet max please. I also want it to taper down towards the end. No tangles either. I want it smooth and easy to stroke. This will really show off my wisdom now. It would be even cooler if it has a life of its own so that it can help scratch my face when needed and tickle people without me needing to lift a finger. I’m hella okay with an autonomous beard. Oh, and can it have its own set of eyebrows? Otherwise how will others know what it’s thinking? You can just include it in the moustache area. The moustachebrows can help the beard better convey its emotions.
Alright, that’s all the requests I have for now. I feel like you get what I’m asking for — a wildly attractive and abundant image of yours truly. If you see anything that can be improved before beaming that vision of me over to my twin flame please feel free to do so. I trust you know how to make me look like the loveliest sack of potatoes.
Oh and just in case, if you were struggling to envision what I had been describing, no need to fear, I made a quick sketch to help make things more clear.
OK brace yourselves.
Hold onto your panties.
It’s a wonder of beauty.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you:
Weeeeeeeeee so bootiful!!!
Ciao!
Chaos Baby
P.S. A good friend of mine suggested that my beard needs its own set of eyebrows so you can thank her for that lovely gift! Clearly, unhinged does not run alone. Unhinged comes as a crew. Huzzah!!!
moostachebrows
👀